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I clean up and gathered my tools (a towel, a box cutter and the camera) and set out to complete orders. I carefully cut away the plastic leaving just the top to it with while i ran it under the cold water to smooth it out. I like the Poland bottle for it's shape and ridges. I got a large bowl to "keep" it in. I got my courage up. (You know how i hate ice.) and brought the bottle to my lips. No way! too big so i tried the little end. Oh the pain! It's the weirdest pain. Not burny,per se, but burny. It lasted maybe 20. I waited a few minutes. You know what anticipation does to me. With my thoughts running wild, I again tried. Same result. I put it down, waited for the paint to stop and began again. I spread my outer labia wide with my fingers and finally wiggled the bottle in. Oh how awful. out it came, immediately. screeched! Over and over, for just a second. Then 2. I began the pumping. At first, 1 pump, recover, 1 pump. Then 2, up to 10. From 10, I went to 20, which is all I could take. I could feel getting close. I thought of you being here, and how this would all ramp up. OH damn! Finally, I came. It took what seemed like forever, but I did. Oh, sweet release. I closed my eyes as it happened and saw my Daddy's smiling face! Thank you for the chill down, and the challenge!

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To the Gemini that haunts my dreams w4m I had a dream about you last night.  You looked old and had a double chin, I had a little boy on my lap, and you kissed me for the first time.  The kiss did not cause the explosion of endorphins that I would've expected to feel the first time you kissed me.  Even though it was not a passionate kiss, it was still very meaningful.  I felt like you really loved me, and the fact that you looked so unattractive, I felt like I really loved you too.  It wasn't just about lust.   I have tried to leave my feelings for you in the past, but you still haunt me.  I think about what we would name our children, I've always loved the name Harrison, and it seems very fitting for a first born son.  What funny couples costumes would we come up with for Halloween?  We would always outdo everybody else with their lame store bought costumes.  What your favorite meals are, which I would learn to cook to perfection just the way you like.  In other words, you make me feel like I want to grow old with you.  I have no idea why, but you seem to have cast a spell on me from day one.  I would feel so pathetic if I told you these things and you never had any feelings for me.  I think you did like me, and I'm good at picking up on when people like me, but I was never really sure.  You could be one of those guys that is easily impressed by every attractive girl he meets, i.e. all guys.  There was just something different about you, like I knew you in another lifetime.  When I got to know you a little better I learned that you are somewhat of a Renaissance man.  You have many interests and many skills, and you work with your hands.  I never asked but I'm sure you can draw and paint too.  I was already thinking about what our dream house would look like.  Would I design it, with your input of course, and you build it, or would we renovate an old farm house?  I just don't know why of all the people I've met in my lifetime, the close friends that have come and gone, why I still think about you of all people?  Why, when he proposed to me, I saw your face, even though I'd only known you for a month?  I said yes, but we never did make it down the aisle, and I'm okay with that.  Why, when I hear songs about love and longing, do I think about you?   Sometimes I think I was meant to suffer through these feelings, until I just could not take it one more second, and things would suddenly seem so clear.  I hope for that moment, because living this way is so exhausting.  Maybe someday I will make the trip down that dirt road again....Until then, I'll see you in my dreams. I originally posted this on November 15, and have done a lot of thinking and soul searching since then. I have come to the conclusion that the only thing to do is to tell you. I would've done that years ago, but I did not want to rock the boat with my relationship. We are now going our separate ways, and the answers that I was seeking have slowly come into focus. I knew all along that I really needed to follow my heart, but fears of rejection, loneliness, and making the wrong choice caused me to go against my natural instincts. I have taken a big first step to telling you, but I'm not in a position to dive in head first. I am honestly scared to really open up to another person, and part of me would prefer to have a superficial relationship with someone that I don't have feelings for. That's really not my style, and there is no glory in that. There is only one solution, to finally follow my heart and hope for the best. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

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